New York Knicks Pointlessly Win a Playoff Game For Some Reason

New York, NY – In a shocking and controversial move, the New York Knicks delayed the inevitable last night by defeating the eventual series winners Miami Heat 89-87, thereby forcing their fans to continue paying attention to the hapless team for a few more days.

“I can’t tell you what happened,” said Knicks coach Mike Woodson.  “Things were going as planned, and then Carmelo [Anthony] just starts hitting his shots from all over the goddamn place.  When we went on that run to take the lead in the third quarter, I shouted to my assistants “We’re really dicked now!’”

Carmelo Anthony was apologetic in a radio interview after the game.  “I’d personally like to apologize to our fans for my performance tonight,” said Anthony, who finished with 41 points.  “I’m sure they were all ready to move on with their lives, and because of us they now have to wait and watch us play some more.  I know, it’s so damn pointless.  I assure you all, this is not what we wanted.”

Knicks beat writer Thomas Janorus was less than forgiving in his post-game writeup.  “Just when you thought it was mercifully over, the agony continues,” writes Janorus.  “This team has put its fans through so much shit this past decade, and you’d think that they’d do one kind thing for us by putting us out of our misery quickly.  But nooooooo, they just couldn’t do the right thing for once.  This is like watching a straight-C high school student study really hard for his very last final.  It’s like, dude, you’re never going to accomplish anything.  Just give up!”

Despite the bleak reality of having to play another game, Anthony remains confident in his teams lack of a future.  “I guarantee to all of our fans right now, that we will lose Game 5,” said Anthony in his radio interview.  “You will not see another game like this last one again.  The long struggle will soon be over.”

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Local Man Hears the Most Ridiculous Thing He Has Ever Heard In His Life

Albany, N.Y. – At 5:37 p.m. on April 23, 47-year-old Ryan Kyzinski heard the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard in his life.  Kyzinski was caught off guard when the moment came.  “I was just flipping through the radio stations in my car and I came across this news interview,” says Kyzinski.  “The interviewee was some hack shill for the governor who said something about cutting retirement benefits for some state workers being good for the state in the long run.  And there it was!  The most ridiculous thing I had ever heard in my life!  I even said so out loud.”

Kyzinski’s wife, Karen Kyzinski, was riding as a passenger in her husband’s car at the time.  “He said it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard in his life,” says Karen.  “I was floored!  I was like, ‘Really?  Are you sure?’  He said, ‘Yeah.’  So I made note of the time, because . . . wow, what an historic moment!  The most ridiculous thing he had ever heard in his life, and I got to be there to share the moment with him!”

Kyzinksi’s family is already planning a large-scale celebration to mark to occasion.  “This is will be bigger than our wedding,” says Kyzinski.  “It only happens once.  You have to celebrate it!”

UPDATE: Jerry Wozniak, next-door neighbor to the Kyzinskis, is refuting Kyzinski’s claim as to the reported radio interview being the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard in his life.  “Just last week, we were arguing about the [Buffalo] Bills,” states Wozniak, “and I said they should think about drafting another quarterback, and Ryan said that was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard in his life.”  Investigations into this claim are still ongoing.

Jennifer Lopez to Receive Participation Award at Billboard Music Awards

Los Angeles, CA – Billboard Publications announced this morning that Jennifer Lopez will be the inaugural recipient of the “Lifetime Participation Award” at this year’s Billboard Music Awards.  The award honors the recipient’s outstanding achievements in continuously releasing music that nobody buys.

“Our parent company’s CEO is desperately trying to boink J.Lo, so he demanded that we give her an award, any award, during the show’s broadcast,” said Billboard Magazine’s editorial director Bill Wrigley in an interview with Entertainment Tonight.  “That put us in an awkward spot, because the Billboard Music Awards honor record sales, and her albums haven’t sold worth shit for at least a decade now.”

Indeed, J.Lo’s album sales have been tremendously shitty of late.  Each of her last three albums failed to achieve Gold status, and she has not had a Platinum album since 2002.  Coming up with an award for Ms. Lopez while somehow retaining the show’s credibility proved to be a daunting task for the Billboard team, and forced them to seek inspiration from unconventional sources.

“I got the idea for the ‘Lifetime Participation Award’ from my daughter’s youth soccer league’s awards banquet,” said Mr. Wrigley.  “They gave out the ‘Champions’ trophy, the ‘Best Team Leader’ trophy, the ‘Most-Improved Player’ trophy, and then all the other little losers who could barely kick the ball each got ‘Participation Award’ trophies.  I was like, ‘Bingo!’”

In response to Billboard’s announcement, Ms. Lopez’s agent released a short statement: “Jennifer is thrilled and honored to be the first recipient of the ‘Lifetime Participation Award.’  She hopes that her receiving this award will inspire young, talentless singers throughout the world and show them that if you keep pretending that you’re a big star, sometimes the world will just pretend right along with you.”

While the award was created just as a means to help a rich man sink the sub with Ms. Lopez, Mr. Wrigley states that Billboard is planning on making it a regular honor at the annual event.  “When I brought the idea to our editorial board, somebody asked, ‘Shouldn’t Jessica Simpson get that award?’ And boom, we’ve got our winner for next year’s show already lined up.”

Update: Apparently inspired by Billboard’s savvy move, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced the creation of a similar “Lifetime Participation Award” to be handed our yearly at the Oscars.  The award will honor outstanding achievements in continuously starring in films that nobody sees.  The Academy has already announced that Jennifer Aniston will be the 2013 recipient.

 

(Image source: http://madamenoire.com/115929/somebody-lied-to-you-people-who-swear-they-can-sing-but-really-cant/jennifer-lopez-american-idol-00/)

Hipster Critics’ Corner: Daughter’s Piano Recital a Depressing Disaster

There are some experiences that cut you straight to the core and make you question the very purpose of life.  These are the moments that you try to forget, but know that you will never be able to no matter how many counselors you see or how many PBR’s you drink.

I have experienced two of these moments.  The first was watching my grandfather die of a heart attack right in front of me when I was ten.  The second occurred yesterday afternoon, when I had the sad displeasure of attending my seven-year-old daughter Stella’s piano recital at Mount Calvary Lutheran Church on East 8th Avenue.

Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been a Stella fan from the beginning, long before she started playing to poser-filled recital crowds numbering in the dozens.   I discovered her not by recital flier or church bulletin as most have, but by the simple act keeping my ear to the ground.  Literally.  My home office is on the second-floor of our house, and her piano is on the first.

When Stella first burst onto the music scene last year, her work could only be described as raw and angry.  There was real honesty and pain in her songs.  Anyone who has had the pleasure of hearing her rare “Thanksgiving Sessions” tape recorded live from my parents’ living room can attest to the pure emotional tenacity she would attack her songs with.  Her playing resembled a cross between early Yeah Yeah Yeahs and a young Frederic Chopin before he sold out.  My wife and I still get goosebumps whenever we listen to her haunting performance of “What Did Mr. Turkey Say?”

Unfortunately, yesterday’s recital, the 19th Stella show I’ve attended, was a testament to just how far this once inspiring musical trailblazer has fallen.  Stella has clearly forgotten all that made her early work so profound.  She has succumbed, like so many greats before her, to the integrity-killing trappings of recital trophies and courtesy applause.

The show began with a note-for-note rendition of Stella’s latest hit, “The Little Fox,” a paint-by-the-numbers ditty that contains mere trace elements of her early-day prowess.  Thenceforth until the show’s merciful end, the experience was akin to watching puppies slowly die before your very eyes.  Avoiding all her earlier songs like misbegotten children, Stella soullessly floundered through three more forgettable new tunes that were all clearly crafted for the mainstream.  Finally, after the last notes of “Old Joe” were struck, the sobering experience was over.  I immediately walked out of the church, tossed my “Stella 2011 Tour” hat in the trash, and swore on my MacBook Pro to never again attend a Stella show.  My soul just can’t take it.

It’s a sad fact of life, but these things do happen.  Artists strike artistic gold, earn respect from us smug-elite, catch the ear of some wannabes, and soon thereafter walk away from integrity never to return.  Stella’s older brother, Asher, still holds out hope that she will get the fire back and return to her “Mr. Turkey” glory.  I, on the other hand, have seen this sort of thing happen too many times before and have already rightfully reclassified Stella in the same category as other sellouts like Weezer and Levi, my viola-playing nephew.

Hispanic-American Organization Asks Sofia Vergara To Tone Down Accent

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Washington, D.C. – The National Council of La Raza (NCLR), America’s largest Hispanic civil rights and advocacy organization, is making a plea to Colombia-born Modern Family actress Sofia Vergara to cool it a bit on her cartoonishly thick accent.

In an interview with a local ABC affiliate, vice-chair of the NCLR’s board of directors Victor Palencia elaborated on his organization’s position.  “When I first watched [Modern Family], I thought to myself, ‘Well, this is crazy offensive.’  We all thought the accent was a poor fake.  Seriously, how could it not be?  It made Natalie Wood’s accent in Westside Story seem spot-on authentic!”  (Editor’s note: Russian actress Natalie Wood, born Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko, portrayed a Puerto Rican in the Best Picture musical back before people got all huffy about that sort of thing.)

“All we’re asking is for her to take it from here,” continues Mr. Palencia, holding his hand high above his head, “and bring it down to about here,” lowering his hand to eye-level.  “We’re concerned that it’s just too easy to parody.  What was once an offensive caricature is now just a ‘Sofia Vergara impression.’  I mean, does she have to spend three seconds on every vowel sound she makes?  How about just saying ‘No’ instead of ‘NoooOOOOoooo’?”

The NCLR also posted a link to an online petition on the homepage of its website asking Ms. Vergara to gringo-up a bit.  As of press time, the petition had over 30 thousand signees, including curiously familiar names like “Penélope C.” and “Selma H.”

Four Facebook Friends “Like” Morose Status Update

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Madison, WI – Jenna Rodriguez always thought that she had sympathetic friends, but after a malicious series of attacks on Facebook, the University of Wisconsin graduate student is now left wondering whether she’ll ever be able to determine who is really her friend and who is a sadistic monster.

Last Monday marked the third anniversary of Ms. Rodriguez’s grandfather’s death. She honored the occasion by updating her Facebook status to read “My grandpa left us three years ago today. I miss him so much. [frowny face emoticon]” When she checked Facebook again a few hours later, she saw that a number of her friends had left consoling comments. But she was shocked and dismayed when he noticed that four of her friends apparently “liked” the fact that her loved one was dead and that she was presently sad about it.

“It was just weird,” said Ms. Rodriguez. “Seriously, who does that? When you see a ‘thumbs up’ symbol underneath a status that says you miss your dead grandfather . . . I mean, what the hell?”

The thinking behind the malicious and cruel act is a mystery to Ms. Rodriguez. “I’m not sure whether they liked the fact that my grandfather is dead, or that I’m feeling down about it, or both,” said Ms. Rodriguez. “Either way, it’s awful. How dare these people make such a foul gesture! I regret ever sending friend requests to them.”

Unfortunately, this is not the first time Ms. Rodriguez has been a victim of malicious “liking.” “About six months ago, I had my car broken into and my stereo stolen. That was bad enough, but then I posted on Facebook something like ‘My car was broken into, and I’m so mad I could kill someone,’ and some people ‘liked’ that! The world really is a dark and cruel place.”

Ms. Rodriguez says this latest experience has caused her to re-think her friending strategy on Facebook. “You can’t just ‘friend’ anyone anymore. Those days are over. I’m going to be far more selective in my friend requests, because you can never know who really wants to be your friend and who just wants to just pour salt into your wounds with a maniacal smile and ‘thumbs up’ symbol. I fear for our future.”

Olbermann News Network Fires Keith Olbermann

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February 12, 2013

New York, NY. – After months of public bickering, the Olberman News Network (ONN) announced today via press release that it has cut ties with its star attraction and founder, Keith Olbermann.  This marks the third time in less than three years that Mr. Olbermann has uncongenially parted ways with a cable news outlet, the first from which he himself had started.

The press release, authored by ONN president Will McManus, details many of the disputes between the two parties already made public by uncovered emails and Mr. Olbermann’s Twitter posts:

“Since the beginning of Mr. Olbermann’s relationship with ONN, there have been severe disagreements with regard to various technical aspects of his show.  These disagreements have led to a number of unprofessional outbursts on the part of Mr. Olbermann, to include profane tantrums during production meetings, numerous unscheduled absences from his show, and on several occasions biting members of his staff on the face.  We here at ONN like to hold ourselves to a level of professionalism that Mr. Olbermann would not adhere himself to.  Therefore, after serious and thoughtful discussion, we have determined that there is just no place at the Olbermann News Network for people like Keith Olbermann.”

Mr. Olbermann wasted little time in responding via his twitter account, @WishICanLickMyself.  In a series of 140-character posts, Mr. Olbermann blasted ONN and vowed to take legal action:

“Can ONN even consider itself a news network???  It should refer to itself as a HACK network!  Its (sic) full of hacks, losers, wannabes, and never-will-bes!  From Day 1, ONN was f***ing everything up!  You all saw it!  Nothing but amateur bullsh** every broadcast!  The network was a joke from the word go!  I apologize to the vast legion of fans for staying with ONN for as long as I did and thereby forcing you to watch such boorish buffoonery night after night.  Make no mistake, this hackjob tyranny will not be tolerated.  I will be filing suit as soon as I can find a lawyer still willing to take my cases.”

ONN was founded by Mr. Olbermann just three months after he was fired from Current TV.  The network, which is headquartered and run entirely within Mr. Olbermann’s two-bedroom Queens apartment, started off promisingly, with over 1.2 thousand viewers tuning in for the network’s first airing of “Countdown With Keith Olbermann,” an impressive number considering the network only reaches one-seventeenth the television markets that Current TV reaches.  Ratings took a quick slide soon after, however, and the show has been averaging a mere 0.4 thousand nightly viewers since the start of the year.

Mr. McManus, who is also Mr. Olbermann’s roommate, announced that Mr. Olbermann will be replaced in the coveted 8pm time slot by Ronald Jacobson, the apartment building’s superintendent.  As of press time, there is no word on whether Mr. McManus or Mr. Olbermann will be moving out of the apartment.