Unsolicited Commentary: Why We Need a Zombie Apocalypse

We’ve all seen the headlines.  We’ve all read the stories.  Some of us have even stupidly Google Image searched for the photos (if you haven’t, do not).

Could it be happening?

It happened in Florida.  It happened in Maryland.  It happened in that devilish wasteland of murder and chaos, Canada.  And all within the past week.  What does this all mean?

Is the zombie apocalypse upon us???

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) says no.  Of course, they may be lying  . . .  but probably not.  OR ARE THEY???  No.  These incidents are  just the result of drugs (read: bath salts) or mental illness (read: vegetarians finally snapping).

And I for one am disappointed.  I think we, as a society, need a zombie apocalypse right about now.  A massive outbreak of flesh-eating undead would be a welcomed phenomena in these times.  Why?  Because it’s probably the only catastrophic event we’d actually be prepared for!

Think about it.  A major terrorist attack sends our society and economy into a tizzy.  A hurricane hits, and it’s Beyond Thunderdome almost instantly.  We lose power for a couple of hours, and we start looting for guns and iPads.  Heck, we can hardly watch our team lose a basketball game without setting our couches on fire anymore!  Time and time again, we have proven that we as a society cannot handle even the slightest calamitous event without sh**ing ourselves (figuratively, most of the time).

But when the zombies come, most of us will know exactly what to do.  Most of us already have a detailed plan that we’ve been meticulously formulating for years.  We know exactly what weapons we’ll need.  We know exactly what means of transportation we’ll need.  We know what exactly kind of shelter we’ll need.  We know exactly where that shelter is, and we already know the most direct path to that location by heart.  And we know the annoying pissant we’re bringing with us to toss to the zombie horde as a distraction to aid in a getaway.

When the zombies hit, you will see a wave of precise and instant human coordination and efficiency the likes of which the world has never dreamed.  The true fulness of human potential will be revealed.  It will be a stunning and beautiful display of the power of the mind, body, and will, and will serve as the impetus for a more glorious future for all mankind.  At least for everyone who isn’t eaten or shot in the head.

Don’t try to deny this.  Everyone who has seen a zombie movie has actually seen several zombie movies and has, however internally, formulated a zombie survival plan.  It is a human reaction as natural as sneezing when breathing in pepper, coughing when inhaling smoke, and crying during the final scene of Harry and the Hendersons.

So while this recent wave of people-eating is probably just a fluke, hold out hope still.  You know, I know, and the Department of Health and Human Services knows that the day will come.  Rejoice in that knowledge.  Until then, put down the bath salts.

(Image source: http://handsonblog.org/2011/10/31/volunteering-tips-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/)

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