New York, NY – In a shocking and controversial move, the New York Knicks delayed the inevitable last night by defeating the eventual series winners Miami Heat 89-87, thereby forcing their fans to continue paying attention to the hapless team for a few more days.
“I can’t tell you what happened,” said Knicks coach Mike Woodson. “Things were going as planned, and then Carmelo [Anthony] just starts hitting his shots from all over the goddamn place. When we went on that run to take the lead in the third quarter, I shouted to my assistants “We’re really dicked now!’”
Carmelo Anthony was apologetic in a radio interview after the game. “I’d personally like to apologize to our fans for my performance tonight,” said Anthony, who finished with 41 points. “I’m sure they were all ready to move on with their lives, and because of us they now have to wait and watch us play some more. I know, it’s so damn pointless. I assure you all, this is not what we wanted.”
Knicks beat writer Thomas Janorus was less than forgiving in his post-game writeup. “Just when you thought it was mercifully over, the agony continues,” writes Janorus. “This team has put its fans through so much shit this past decade, and you’d think that they’d do one kind thing for us by putting us out of our misery quickly. But nooooooo, they just couldn’t do the right thing for once. This is like watching a straight-C high school student study really hard for his very last final. It’s like, dude, you’re never going to accomplish anything. Just give up!”
Despite the bleak reality of having to play another game, Anthony remains confident in his teams lack of a future. “I guarantee to all of our fans right now, that we will lose Game 5,” said Anthony in his radio interview. “You will not see another game like this last one again. The long struggle will soon be over.”