Area Man Drinks Non-Alcohol Beer, Loses Genitalia

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Des Moines, IA – A Des Moines web designer received an unwelcomed surprise last Thursday evening when he discovered that his genitalia had detached from his body shortly after he had unwittingly consumed non-alcoholic beer.  Jeff Harrington, 28, had been drinking with his wife and friends at the Hawkeye House, a pub known for its extensive beer menu.  “I didn’t really know what I was ordering,” confessed Harrington.  “I just looked through the beer menu and pointed at one.  That’s the last time I don’t read the description of what I’m ordering.”

Harrington almost immediately noticed that something was amiss about his beer.  “The flavor was odd, that’s for sure.  It was lacking the slight kick you get when you’re drinking alcohol.  But more than that, I started to feel an unexplainable sense of shame and timidity wash over me.  I didn’t know what it was.  I do now.”

Harrington noticed that his genitalia had detached on the walk back to his car.  “We were in the parking lot when my wife noticed that the tip of my penis was peeking out from the bottom of my right pant leg.  I lifted up my pant leg, and out fell my cock and balls.  I immediately grabbed for my crotch, but there was nothing left but the pubes and the base of the taint.”

The beer, Kaliber, a non-alcoholic ale brewed by Guiness, Ltd., is the only non-alcoholic beer on the Hawkeye House menu.  “We have 183 different beers that we serve,” said pub owner/manager Dale Chism.  “He just got unlucky and picked the one without booze in it.  I do feel terrible for the guy.  Losing your dick has to be a real downer.”

When asked if he thought Harrington’s server was aware that Harrington had ordered a non-alcoholic beer, Chism stated that he doubts it.  “We train our servers to have at least rudimentary knowledge of all the beers we serve, but we stopped including Kaliber in the training about seven years ago.  I put it on the menu because I thought expectant mothers might enjoy it, but in ten years at this place this is the first time I’d heard of anyone ordering it.”

Doctors were unable to reattach Harrington’s genitalia in any meaningful way.  “His twig and berries are completely lifeless now,” said Dr. Sudir Ravindra of Iowa Methodist Medical Center.  “Reattachment is certainly possible, but it would be purely cosmetic.  His penis and testes could no longer function as normal.  They would just hang there like loose meat.”  Once Harrington learned that his insurance would not cover the reattachment, he declined the procedure.

The condition caused by Harrington’s unfortunate choice in drink is rare, bur Dr. Ravindra believes all men should take note.  “Spontaneous Genital Detachment Syndrome (SGDS), or “Ken Doll Syndrome,” can happen to any man.  This is the first time I’ve treated the condition, but a colleague of mine treated a man with SGDS just last year.  In that case, the patient’s junk popped off after he had ordered a salad at a steak house.  Another case I’m aware of occurred after a young man bought a Prius.”

Dr. Ravindra believes more attention needs to be paid to SGDS.  “There absolutely needs to be more awareness made of this condition.  A billboard campaign with a simple slogan would be a good start.  I’d recommend something like, ‘If you want to keep your dick, don’t be a pussy.’”

Harrington says his condition saddened him at first, but he is getting used to it.  “I miss being able to piss outside and having something to scratch when I’m watching TV, but overall things are okay.  I’m taking up bike-riding, which has been fun.  Plus, it’s nice not having to use fifty percent of your awareness making sure nothing hits you in the groin.”

But when asked if he’d ever think of ordering non-alcoholic beer again, Harrington responded, “Are you kidding?  I’ve still got my dignity, you know?”

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