President Invokes Hater Law, Ends All Debate On Health Care

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Washington, D.C. – During an impromptu press conference called by the White House to address concerns over the looming Supreme Court decision on the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act, President Barak Obama began and effectively ended the press conference after the first question by becoming the first U.S. president since Franklin Roosevelt to invoke Hater Law.

CNN’s Dan Lothian began the press conference by asking the President for his reaction to Justice Anthony Kennedy’s concerns expressed during the Supreme Court hearings on the health care law that the controversial “individual mandate” provision of the law would fundamentally change the relationship of the citizen to the government, to which President Obama responded, “Hater,” followed by a long, silent glare at Mr. Lothian.

Most of the other reporters in the press room recognized that Hater Law had been invoked, thereby ending all conversation on the topic by rule.  After a few moments of awkward silence, however, NBC’s Chuck Todd, who is either too old or too white to comprehend the rules of Hater Law, pressed the President to clarify what he meant.  President Obama immediately shifted his icy glare towards Mr. Todd as the room began to fill with angry murmurs.  Mr. Todd soon realized his gaff and removed himself from the press room with the swiftness of a 13-year-old boy who just ripped his pants while giving a presentation on Argentina in his Geography class.  No more questions were asked.

While Hater Law has been invoked sparingly by presidents in our nation’s history (most notably by FDR to respond to the New Deal controversies and by Thomas Jefferson during what historians refer to as his “brown sugar phase”), it has gained immense popularity throughout .gif-loving populations during the past decade.  What was once little more than a cause for mass confusion has now become an internationally recognized method for properly deflecting criticism.

Social scientists have determined that the consistent and adamant use of the word “hater” will defuse any incendiary situation the speaker has put him/herself in.  “It’s quite simple,” notes Oxford anthropologist Niles Marwick.  “Old theories dictated that one ought to respond to criticism with either reasoned arguments for why the criticism is not deserved or dignified admissions that the criticism may be deserved.  We now know that’s pure poppycock.  When one faces criticism, no matter how slight or how severe, one should always respond with an indignant look and by calling the critical party a ‘hater.’  This response should be repeated with increasing levels of indignation until the critic is shamed into silence.”

Marwick insists all research has shown that invoking Hater Law will work in any critical situation.  “Have no doubts, this will work no matter how deserving of criticism the person may be.  Ultimately, most if not all critics will force their questionable thoughts of the person out of their minds and will fall in line in admiration of him/her.  We call this the Chris Brown Phenomenon.”

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