Read My Sign, Damn It!


Earlier this week, the Supreme Court “listened” to three days of arguments concerning the big health care law passed a few years back.  Although their decision won’t be released for another couple of months, you can tell by the Tweets they posted during the arguments what was on their minds.

@BillsFan55 (Chief Justice John Roberts): These guys yackin bout health care, should be health I don’t care!  LOLZ!

@TeamJacob4ever (Justice Stephen Breyer): The solicitor general is totally trying to hold in a fart right now. #cheeksqueeze

@FatMarinaraBalls (Justice Antonin Scalia): After last night, I’m hoping hangovers are covered by this health care plan.  #iceluge

@ScaliaFan7 (Justice Samuel Alito): Arguments soooo long.  Why did I have that 5th coffee this morning?? #mudbutt

@BeiberFan1948 (Justice Clarence Thomas): I stopped listening to arguments when I figured out that we’re all actually trapped in the Matrix.

Outside the courthouse, dozens if not hundreds of protesters from both sides of the debate carried signs and chanted loudly, all there to voice their common messages, “Hey, look at me!!!” and “I’m bored and literally have NOTHING else to do right now!!!”

In reality, protesting outside of the Supreme Court accomplishes little.  It’s not like the justices can hear the chants or see the protesters.  It’s common knowledge that the justices never actually step foot outside, but travel between the courthouse and their respective underground layers via a series of tunnels designed to shield them from human contact and sunlight.  But no, they are not secretly vampires.  Vampires are soulless, maniacal, undead superbeings that subsist by feeding on human blood and can change into bats.  The justices, however, per constitutional requirement, are not undead.

And yet the protesters protest on regardless of their futility.  This is my problem with modern protesters.  They get all worked up and spend days if not weeks coming up with their clever signs (that “[name of politician or legislation] with a circle and line through it” NEVER gets old), and very little if anything is accomplished.  So I’m got a few ideas that protesters all over this country should think about.

First of all, it’s all about location.  Holler all you want at the steps of the Supreme Court, because it ain’t doing nothing.  But say one word to a dude while he’s at the urinal, and attention is grabbed.  Sure, it’s a man-law violation in the first degree, but I promise you that there is nothing that grabs a dude’s attention quite like when he’s standing with his dick out and another man, also with dick out, tries to start a conversation with him.  The man will be flustered and annoyed for sure, but you know he’s going to stand there in awkward silence and listen to you until he can force out those last few drops.  So, in short: many loud people with signs = bad; one calmly-spoken man with dick out = good.

Second of all, work on some new chants.  The old chants are so overused and commonplace now that nobody even listens to them.  They’re like car alarms.  Here are the old standards that have lost their effectiveness: “We’re here!  We’re queer!  We don’t want anymore [word that rhymes . . . beer?]!”, “What do we want?  [what they want . . . obviously not beer] When do we want it?  Now!”, and of course “Hey hey!  Ho Ho!  [name of 3-5 syllable person or legislation]* has got to go!”  These just fly right over passerbys head.  And by passerbys, I of course mean people with jobs.

(*NOTE: Since I am planning on becoming an evil, bribe-taking senator, I will soon be changing my last name to McCleervonjagermeistinski just so protestors won’t be able to use my name in this chant without looking stupid.  The the kind of preparation that only 2.5 years of Cub Scouts can instill in you.)

So come up with some newer, fresher chants.  I’d recommend ones with harmonies or maybe that can be sung in the round.  Make something that the people you’re protesting against will bob their heads to as they’re walking past.  My ideal protest will have a big black church choir to provide the chants.  “Oh my Jesus!  Oh my Jesus!  We’ve got to raise, raise the tax (Yeah!) on the richest 2% (Oh Lord)!”

Lastly, protest some new people!  I think when we stop and think for two seconds, we can all agree that we all hate every politician in this country, and they know it, so let’s move on.  How about we all protest Madonna?  We all like to protest unfair wealth distributions and/or polices that are “unamerican,” right?  Well, not only has this talentless hack made ungodly amounts of money over the years by singing songs she didn’t write and by being an insufferable asshole (which some people** find endearing), this Michigander also tried to fake a British accent for eight pathetic years! Get her, protesters!

(**Note: Also assholes.)

Or how about Michael Bay?  First, this guy tried to turn the attack on Pearl Harbor, the most dramatic moment of the 20th Century in America, into Titanic Part 2 (I’m sure our grandparents weren’t pissed at all).  Then he gives to the world the mother of all that is overhyped, Shia Lebeouf.  Now, he wants to drop an unholy deuce on everyone’s favorite childhood memory: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Oh, I’m sorry, the Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles.  This clown can’t be protested enough.

Those are just some ideas, but I’m got more.  The problem is, like these three, all the rest are stupid.  But hey, they couldn’t possibly do any harm to the institution that is the protester.  Just sayin’.


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